Darwin’s theory of evolution might seem to warn against helping others, especially at our own expense. It’s survival of the fittest, after all, not survival of the most helpful. And yet, in reality, we’re a species that largely looks after its own, opting to live in cooperative societies with shared values and goals.
We have an innate desire to please each other, even if that means doing things we’d rather not. At one time or another, we’ve all found ourselves agreeing to things we don’t want to do, forced to plough on or face the ignominy of a last-minute backpedal.
Selflessness can ultimately be harmful, to our physical health, mental wellbeing, and relationships.
So, keep reading to find out how to be a bit more selfish. And why you should be.
3 simple ways to be more selfish now
1. Just say “no”
The simplest way to be more selfish is simply to say a firm “No” to the things you don’t want to do.
Whether a friend or loved one has invited you to an expensive hen party or a time-consuming book club, this unambiguous response leaves no room for interpretation. You’re off the hook!
2. Find alternative answers
Learning to say “no” can be incredibly useful but, depending on the situation, it can also be a little blunt. You might find you want to decline in a way that remains unambiguous but is liable to hurt a friend’s feelings.
Consider, “I’d rather not.”
It might not be a flat “No” but it’s clear that you have no desire to do whatever is being asked of you. More than that, it suggests that pressing the point would be going against your wishes. To do so would force your hand, eliciting a more definite response.
Again, this honest response should get you off the hook.
3. Pick your battles
Saying “no” can be incredibly empowering, but doing so too often might mean that the invites start to dry up.
You might opt for, “I don’t want to do that, but how about this.” Providing alternatives could help you arrive at a compromise that sees both parties happy.
Sometimes, though, we all have to do things we don’t want to do. Only you will know when these particular events arrive, so don’t dig your heels in too far.
The occasional “Yes” might expose you to new people and areas of interest. You might even enjoy yourself!
And 5 compelling reasons why being selfish is ok
1. Saying “Yes” can be exhausting
Filling your already packed social calendar with events you don’t want to attend can be physically and emotionally exhausting, ultimately affecting your mental health.
Prioritising yourself now and again isn’t selfish, it’s common sense. Never be afraid to take time out for yourself.
2. You’ll have more time for you
Not only does saying “No” allow you to take a step back, but it can also free up time for you to focus on the things you do care about.
Maybe you want to avoid a boisterous hen party but book yourself into a spa weekend instead. You might not want to commit to reading a book each month. Say “No” and then block out the meeting time and go to the cinema or theatre.
Embrace the time you would’ve been spending doing something you didn’t want to do and use the time positively (and selfishly) instead.
Equally, if it works for you, do nothing at all.
3. You’ll overcome FOMO
Alongside the fear of upsetting people, or letting them down, another reason for saying “Yes” can be the fear of missing out, or FOMO.
Worrying about events outside of your control can be emotionally damaging. Once you’ve taken ownership of your decision by saying “No”, try not to dwell on the event you are missing. Filling your time with another pursuit can help here, as can remembering the reasons you said “No” in the first place.
4. You might have more meaningful relationships
By constantly saying “Yes” to a friend’s demands, you might be forming in their mind an inaccurate view of the person you really are. Being honest and saying “No” means being true to yourself.
Not only is this a far better basis for a friendship, but it will also help to stifle any resentment that can grow when one party is giving too much and taking too little.
5. Receiving a “No” can build resilience
As important as it can be to say “No”, it can also be vital that your friends, and especially your loved ones, hear it.
A child that only ever hears “Yes” might grow up lacking the resilience that we all need as adults. That doesn’t mean saying “No” simply to be cruel. Instead, it means acknowledging that the feelings associated with receiving a “No” – anger and frustration – are important parts of life. You can say “No” without loving your child or partner less.
And anyway, a “No” isn’t something to be avoided at all costs, but an opportunity for personal growth.
